Have you ever felt like you’re just not quite sure where you belong? What should you be doing with your life or where you should head next? No? Cool. Me either. Except that’s a lie and I’ve felt that way for some time. You would think that in your thirties a gal would have her shit together and be trucking along in an orderly fashion, but that’s not always the case. I’m pretty fortunate that some aspects of my life are well put together, but there’s a big part of me that feels like I’ve always just tried to fit in wherever it seemed convenient, and you know what? I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of it because I don’t feel accomplished. I feel like everything I’m doing is to please others and when I’m not successful in doing so, I feel guilty. And we all know guilt is a useless emotion. So, what does a girl do when she feels unaccomplished, confused, lost? I can’t speak for everyone else, but what I did is a lot of soul-searching.
This winter was unusually long for me. I’m not sure if the colder than usual weather had something to do with it or if I was just way too present in my pity party, but it was rough. I spent a lot of time alone couped up in my home office reading self-help books, writing nothing useful, and listening to far too much Norah Jones radio. God love her sound, but my goodness, some tracks are complete downers. As the spring approached, I knew something needed to change. My sulky habits were not only affecting me personally, but they were also affecting me professionally. I found myself continually trying to ‘shake the funk,’ and that’s no way to live your day to day life. I came across this quote from the beautiful Maya Angelou on a particularly stressful day, and it resonated:
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
Talk about an ah-ha moment. It’s easy to be terrified of the unknown, but is it worth sacrificing happiness? I’m learning that probably not, so what’s a girl going to do about it? She’s going to slow, things, down. I’ve decided to simplify things to focus on what matters. Choosing joy.
That starts with a change in my career. This decision is probably one of the most difficult I’ve had to make to get in a better state of mind. Not only do I work for my family, but I also work with friends. Walking away from the comfort and security of a role that has allowed me to learn so much in the last several years has been no natural choice. There were tears and fears with every conversation that circulated back to my decision, but ultimately, I believe it’s the right call. So, as of June 1st, I will be on a whole new road. The path of self-discovery will undoubtedly be challenging at times, but I’m looking forward to the adventure.
I’ll be serving coffee and scones over at Love Love Food Shop a few days a week as part of my plan to simplify, and spending the rest of my time writing, learning, and exploring. What does that mean exactly? I guess we’ll both need to stay tuned to find out.
Have you ever made a decision that’s terrified you? How did it work out? I would love to hear from you!